So uuuhm I have experienced a lot in the past 10 days. And I’m still taking it all in. But it goes to show that spiritual practice is never complete. And it was tested again and again. It was like I had every opportunity possible to “show up”.
I think one of my previous entries goes into detail about cycles. It’s a bit more specific then my previous thoughts about being down, or struggling. Before, I just reminded myself that it was all temporary and that it isn’t/wasn’t the truth of me. Now I see that there is balance and love in everything I do and everything that I experience. I’m learning not to call what was called “temporary” before, “bad”. It may be uncomfortable, but so are babies. Babies are a bit cramped in the womb but they do their developing their as well. They develop in the dark.
Currently I am very uncomfortable… (shoulders raised with hands in the air like: “what can I say”).
I imagine that the old part of me and old habits and old friends… all of which are not contributing to me now are falling away. It could also be that all of these things are contributing to a part of me that I wish to bury and sing sad songs over lol. It goes back to the idea that no one can make me “feel” anything. But can only contribute to what is already there. They can contribute to your peace, the peace that you’ve built up or created yourself, or they can contribute to your misery- the misery that YOU built up and created YOURself.
My father came to New York looking for a fight and a fight he found. And ever since he confessed that he came here looking for a fight, I have been incredibly defensive. He sees the errors in his ways and has apologized and has a better understanding of who I am, yet with all of that, we still fought. And though I reminded him again and again “when you make someone defensive, do not be surprised when they defend themselves” it has been very hard for me to let the whole thing go. Maybe because it came from left field. Maybe because, I know somehow I attracted it (if I am affected at all it is because of my doing). Maybe because I know that this fight is also a reflection of me in some ways (if everything is right within, it is also right without). Maybe I’m over thinking it (my dad and I are both Virgos).
On another not-so-different note, my dad went to DC to visit our family for a couple of days and I was a little relieved he left. That Monday, I was on my way to a show in Harlem and before I knew it, I walked into a fight. There were about 13 people around, mostly men. Not hovering the fighters, just sort of spread out. I imagined that they were friends of the fighters and was on look out. I say this because they were all calm. One of the men directly across from the fighters was drinking bottled water and he had a child with him. The fight was in front of the storefront. I saw a woman coming out of the store with another child and looked at the fight and kept walking, sort of normal pace, not in a hurry to get away or anything. Did I mention it was dead silence, like the men were watching a movie and not even an exciting one, but a movie that relaxed them and brought them great joy.
Yet what they were watching were 2 women fighting. One light-skinned black woman on her butt, not too skinny but smaller then the other in a white t-shirt and pants and one dark brown heavier woman on top of her with shorts on and a spaghetti strap shirt on with the top pulled down and full breast exposed. Both have each other’s hair, yet the one on top with the weight advantage was punching the one on the bottom with the free hand. This is the sound you heard- no screaming no yelling, no occasional “oooohhhh’s” from the crowd. You heard the woman’s fist on the other woman’s chest and face. With each swing, her full breast move slightly.
I was on the phone talking with my sister about my dad when I walked in front of that storefront. I was speaking to her and then I stopped and broke the silence by yelling “UHN UHN, NOOOO……. THIS IS NOT RIGHT” I watched the entire scene for all of 15 seconds and got off the phone with my sister and called the police… and cried.
The police actually asked me if one of the fighters had a weapon. If asked again I know to say, yes. I think I heard one of the men say in my direction, “I think that chick just called the cops.” I have no idea what happened behind me as I walked hurriedly to give the cops on the phone an accurately street address. But I know I felt horrible and I cried. I don’t know if I was upset because of the fight, or because of the exposed breast, or because of the whole scene. I think I was really upset because of the silence and the fact that they were being watch with enjoyment and peace.
Now you know that I love FB, right? I posted a status message asking what people would do if they saw what I saw. I proposed the question knowing full well that there are those (women and men, but I actually know more men) who like watching fights, whether it be in a ring or on the block. My stat verbatim, was:
"question 4u all (men and women). I understand that there are those who like to watch fights. There are ppl who go on the internet and like lookin at street fights, and I actually know more men to enjoy this. My question is, if you were walkin down a street and you saw let's say 2 women fighting (no weapons), what would... you do? (This does not have to be rhetorical, I'm actually curious)."
I have 63 comments to date. Most women said, call the police. Most men said watch a little before breaking it up, one said take bets, another said take pictures, one hoped that a breast was exposed, walk away, stay out of grown folks bizness, but most men said watch.
I posed the question because I appeared to be the odd ball in the equation. In an effort not to call anyone or the men that were watching the 2 queens fight, "wrong"... I wanted to see where everyone else was in this real life matter. Clearly its been a while since I saw a fight. And I was kinda shocked to see my fb community right there with the man drinking his water bottle.
I guess that's why I sing the songs that I sing. I'll be an activist in THAT way.
SOOOOOOO... my dad comes back from DC, and we are a bit cooler. There were a few squabbles but small. I guess it has been a very long time since I've spent so much time with him, alone. I don't like that he's become set in his ways, but I commend him on being aware of it and changing the things about himself that no longer serve him. I've heard psychologists talk about the time when child teaches parent. He learned a lot on his visit.
Not only did I learn that I have the perfect family to experience what it means to be compassionate, I also learned that I still have more to let go. And so I rise... much easier when the heaviness falls...
pray for me