Monday, December 27, 2010
So I'm out in the snow storm, because I want to be and because I'd rather be out nowadays instead of in my apartment with my thoughts (I'm learning that I do better when I'm busy), and I take a seat at starbucks with my tall, soy, no water, no foam, chai. I take forever to get adjusted because I have on like 5 layers of clothes. I sit and take out my laptop to get some work done. I get into a groove of answering emails and promoting and BAM... A man who works for the city, I think he works with trash, sees me like he was looking for me for a while, sits down and proceeds to tell me about a woman who was extremely rude to him in the bathroom line. He's in the line for a while, ut then goes in but checks a text message. As he is answering the text message, the woman behind him in the line, bangs on the door. He explains to me that he addresses her warmly and says *in the most suzie home-make voice* "Someone is in here, I will be right out". He uses the bathroom, washes his hands and leaves the stall. While he is leaving, the elderly woman interrogates him as to why it took him so long. And according to Sean, she was badgering him. He said she said "what if there were feces everywhere??"
Now, he started the conversation with things that are pleasant and likened all of that to what ia Godly and likened the opposite of all that isn't pleasant to what is unGodly and he starts talking about the wrath of God and immediately my face changed to... "uuuuhm you on that BS".
He sees my face and asks about it and I told him that my experience of God is nothing like that. I don't know of a wrathful god, full of rage, jealous, mad, or a superior God with human distorted qualities. And I explained to him that even when times are unpleasant, that that time can be a defining time for you, so why not call it a blessing.
He agreed and continued his story and was a bit careful, knowing my interpretation of God.
After his story I encouraged him not to think lowly of the woman. I reminded him that its the holidays and not everyone remembers joy during these times. I reminded him that we have no idea what she's going through. But he kept coming back to the idea that her going off at him was "Sad". But then I told him that, maybe her going off was a release and that he shouldn't take it personal. Maybe she felt much better after the encounter.
I reminded him that he was better off feeling "good" about it then feeling bad, sorry or sad.
He didn't want to leave.
He says I look strikingly like his sister.
He tells me about how his sister's family invited him for Christmas Dinner and surprised him with his sister coming to town, a woman he hasn't seen in years.
He tells me about the gift that he got this woman after knowing her for a month or so. A new lover.
He tells me about his son, and how he seemingly lost him due to his battle with drugs. But because of the program that he's on, he's able to put his life together and is determined to get him back.
He tells me of his Mom.
Yeah, he didn't want to leave.
I really wanted to be alone, but then I thought to myself: this is a direct response from the universe. Peep my musings below on twitter. Start at the bottom.
Funny how the universe works... actually it ain't funny at all, its very on point.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Been living a little bit though.
Sooooooo... where do I begin???
A couple of weeks ago, I planned on seeing a friend's daughter in a fashion show. I think she's 5 years old. I was all for it and could not wait to go a support.
The day of the show, I was leaving work a little late and opted to just show up at the end and bring the little model some flowers instead. You know, make her feel like the rockstar that she already is! :) The show started at 6, I'd get there by 7.
My friend told me the address, but I put the word east in front of the street name. She even corrected me the day of, but my mind was set on EAST... anyone who knows me knows that I stay "hopstoppin" it up cus I'm kind of directionless...
At 6:50pm, I'm in parkslope, BK when I shouldn't be. I don't know this yet. My friend's daughter was home-schooled the year before so by now I think that its perfectly fine that I am now ringing the doorbell of a brownstone and not a "school".
An elderly woman comes to the door and I immediately know that I made a mistake. I tell her where I am trying to go and what I was trying to do. The night before, I spent the night over a friends house who was styling me for my video shoot. I had a big garment bag, a bouquet of flowers, my computer case and maybe my green puma bag... Yeah, I was "bag lady" on this woman's stoop.
She explains to me that I should have gone to such-in-such (her home address without the "EAST" part). She explains that its actually a church with a school attached and that she attends the church. She tries to explain to me how to get there by train, but she notices the defeat in my eyes. She invites me in, and I say no and asked that she goes in to explain to me how to get to the train... it was cold. I was covered up. She explains a bit more, but then insists that I step in and have a seat. For a split second, I think to myself "please don't kill me"... lol the thought makes me giggle a bit as I'm sure she was thinking the same thing... but maybe not.
She asks me to sit and says something like "you must have a guardian angel". She hands me a bulletin from the church and says that perhaps its a good idea to call the place to see if the fashion show is still going on. In the meantime her son comes from upstairs to see whats going on. We explain what happened and that I'm lost and he seemed un-phased that a stranger was in the house just as the woman was. We exchange names... I don't remember his name at all. He offers me a water bottle.
Finally, as if to give up, the woman suggests that I take a car to the church instead of the train. She says I can get there in like 10 minutes as opposed to 30-45 minutes on the train. (where was I? was I that lost??). I ask how much it would be and they say about 8-9 dollars. I look in my pocket to see how much cash I have as I do not carry much. I pull out 9 dollars exactly. I pull it out with joy actually, as if to say "Thank God"... and the son pulls out a 5 as if to say, "nonsense young grasshopper, you'll need more just in case." They pretty much "make" me take the money. After a while it becomes hard to fight. I knew this was a blessing. I knew this was God. I knew she saw herself in me, and was helping herSelf.
She calls a car service for me and we wait a couple minutes. The son asked me what I did, I told him I was a singer and he immediately gets up, looking for a card of sorts. Says his cousin is a musician and loves soul music. Says that his cousin loves music in the vein of Erykah Badu. That made me smile really big as this man has never heard me sing before but already knew that I was Badu like.
My car is here. I stand up and express my gratitude and smile a lot and the woman has the nerve to give me a hug and kiss on the cheek... THE NERVE!!!
I missed the fashion show. My friend and her daughter had already left when I got there, but I'm not upset. I knew I was where I needed to be and everything happened as it should have that night. I needed this example. I needed to feel that I was divinely protected. At that very moment.
to be cont'd (and perhaps sooner then later).
Friday, October 22, 2010
Lately I've been feeling like someone was talking about me behind my back... and I was wrong as there are a lot of you talkin bout me. I am surrounded by winners. Winners who consciously invest in what they want to see grow.
Something that I'm hearing from friends (and even within at times) is "he/she took ____ from me" whether it be a job, a lover, or even a break-in. When I get into this state of mind I try to remind myself that abundance is abundance and there is truly enough for everyone to go around. and at the very least when I am out of alignment, I remind myself that whatever is being "taken away" is making room for something greater. 2010 (Trinity year-3) has been a transitional year for all of us. Lots of things and thought forms have been destroyed (in my life anyway).. So lately I have been walking with my arms stretched out singing "thank you" for I know I am making room for more greatness ... grounded yet ready for take off... BALANCED
I have a new song that I'm giving away for free download called "Love Letter (He Wants Me to Win)" [http://nakiahenry.bandcamp.com/track/love-letter-he-wants-me-to-win] ... I've spent most of the month promoting the song and til this day it has appeared on 31 sites (and counting, because I'm not done). I am sooo grateful. I don't take it for granted.
Download it and share it and there is much more where that came from. I'm happy to give to a community that shows love.
Question: whats your favorite music website/blog that you frequent to discover new music? Let me know and I will submit or you submit the song or let me know and we can submit it together. EXPANSION is the name of the game.
aka Lily aka Sily Girl aka AfromanticNakia aka Loni Poo aka Slim aka N.E.Heartbreak aka Eternal Reminder in a forgetful mind aka 'you know... the one with the pics' aka Key aka NEH-NEH aka the one who wants you to soar, the one who wants you to win
Monday, October 4, 2010
Connected to his Spirituality
He sees me whole he sees me free
He sees himself exactly how he sees me
-and I love how
He wants to give to my freedom
Working with him is just like rhythm
He is my lover he is my friend
I want him to soar he wants me to win
He will never ever ever play me
cuz we are cocreatin for the same team yeah
And I'm his baby, and I'm his ol lady
He's a strong brother and a true gift to me
-and I deserve it
all the love in my life found a man who is right
he's my reflection and he's so divine and
he ain't tryna run my life
he's wants me to do what right
(the fussin and fightin ain't for us cuz its all love
and no ones crown is fallincuz we keep our heads up)
We got that 'he loves him and I love me' love
and we add to eachothers "build up"
His kisses never leave me lonely
I can't wait to feel his hands on me
Cuz everything we do feel so holy
-come here baby
let's experience glory
We look within to find whats positive
and AMPLIFY it
I want him to SOAR, he wants me to WIN
and he adores me and thats the reason why he spoils me
and always wants to be around and i don't mind
cuz when I' mad at the world he reminds me
that the world is on my side, with him
(C) Nakia Henry and Erykah Badu :)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
So uuuhm I have experienced a lot in the past 10 days. And I’m still taking it all in. But it goes to show that spiritual practice is never complete. And it was tested again and again. It was like I had every opportunity possible to “show up”.
I think one of my previous entries goes into detail about cycles. It’s a bit more specific then my previous thoughts about being down, or struggling. Before, I just reminded myself that it was all temporary and that it isn’t/wasn’t the truth of me. Now I see that there is balance and love in everything I do and everything that I experience. I’m learning not to call what was called “temporary” before, “bad”. It may be uncomfortable, but so are babies. Babies are a bit cramped in the womb but they do their developing their as well. They develop in the dark.
Currently I am very uncomfortable… (shoulders raised with hands in the air like: “what can I say”).
I imagine that the old part of me and old habits and old friends… all of which are not contributing to me now are falling away. It could also be that all of these things are contributing to a part of me that I wish to bury and sing sad songs over lol. It goes back to the idea that no one can make me “feel” anything. But can only contribute to what is already there. They can contribute to your peace, the peace that you’ve built up or created yourself, or they can contribute to your misery- the misery that YOU built up and created YOURself.
My father came to New York looking for a fight and a fight he found. And ever since he confessed that he came here looking for a fight, I have been incredibly defensive. He sees the errors in his ways and has apologized and has a better understanding of who I am, yet with all of that, we still fought. And though I reminded him again and again “when you make someone defensive, do not be surprised when they defend themselves” it has been very hard for me to let the whole thing go. Maybe because it came from left field. Maybe because, I know somehow I attracted it (if I am affected at all it is because of my doing). Maybe because I know that this fight is also a reflection of me in some ways (if everything is right within, it is also right without). Maybe I’m over thinking it (my dad and I are both Virgos).
On another not-so-different note, my dad went to DC to visit our family for a couple of days and I was a little relieved he left. That Monday, I was on my way to a show in Harlem and before I knew it, I walked into a fight. There were about 13 people around, mostly men. Not hovering the fighters, just sort of spread out. I imagined that they were friends of the fighters and was on look out. I say this because they were all calm. One of the men directly across from the fighters was drinking bottled water and he had a child with him. The fight was in front of the storefront. I saw a woman coming out of the store with another child and looked at the fight and kept walking, sort of normal pace, not in a hurry to get away or anything. Did I mention it was dead silence, like the men were watching a movie and not even an exciting one, but a movie that relaxed them and brought them great joy.
Yet what they were watching were 2 women fighting. One light-skinned black woman on her butt, not too skinny but smaller then the other in a white t-shirt and pants and one dark brown heavier woman on top of her with shorts on and a spaghetti strap shirt on with the top pulled down and full breast exposed. Both have each other’s hair, yet the one on top with the weight advantage was punching the one on the bottom with the free hand. This is the sound you heard- no screaming no yelling, no occasional “oooohhhh’s” from the crowd. You heard the woman’s fist on the other woman’s chest and face. With each swing, her full breast move slightly.
I was on the phone talking with my sister about my dad when I walked in front of that storefront. I was speaking to her and then I stopped and broke the silence by yelling “UHN UHN, NOOOO……. THIS IS NOT RIGHT” I watched the entire scene for all of 15 seconds and got off the phone with my sister and called the police… and cried.
The police actually asked me if one of the fighters had a weapon. If asked again I know to say, yes. I think I heard one of the men say in my direction, “I think that chick just called the cops.” I have no idea what happened behind me as I walked hurriedly to give the cops on the phone an accurately street address. But I know I felt horrible and I cried. I don’t know if I was upset because of the fight, or because of the exposed breast, or because of the whole scene. I think I was really upset because of the silence and the fact that they were being watch with enjoyment and peace.
Now you know that I love FB, right? I posted a status message asking what people would do if they saw what I saw. I proposed the question knowing full well that there are those (women and men, but I actually know more men) who like watching fights, whether it be in a ring or on the block. My stat verbatim, was:
"question 4u all (men and women). I understand that there are those who like to watch fights. There are ppl who go on the internet and like lookin at street fights, and I actually know more men to enjoy this. My question is, if you were walkin down a street and you saw let's say 2 women fighting (no weapons), what would... you do? (This does not have to be rhetorical, I'm actually curious)."
I have 63 comments to date. Most women said, call the police. Most men said watch a little before breaking it up, one said take bets, another said take pictures, one hoped that a breast was exposed, walk away, stay out of grown folks bizness, but most men said watch.
I posed the question because I appeared to be the odd ball in the equation. In an effort not to call anyone or the men that were watching the 2 queens fight, "wrong"... I wanted to see where everyone else was in this real life matter. Clearly its been a while since I saw a fight. And I was kinda shocked to see my fb community right there with the man drinking his water bottle.
I guess that's why I sing the songs that I sing. I'll be an activist in THAT way.
SOOOOOOO... my dad comes back from DC, and we are a bit cooler. There were a few squabbles but small. I guess it has been a very long time since I've spent so much time with him, alone. I don't like that he's become set in his ways, but I commend him on being aware of it and changing the things about himself that no longer serve him. I've heard psychologists talk about the time when child teaches parent. He learned a lot on his visit.
Not only did I learn that I have the perfect family to experience what it means to be compassionate, I also learned that I still have more to let go. And so I rise... much easier when the heaviness falls...
pray for me
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
If there is no ending and this is all a cycle… if you are truly evolving, if there is no destination, just different parts of your cycle, then what is happening in your life right now is only preparing you for the next part of your cycle. You are learning what it is to be balanced. Before you had a very narrow idea of “joy”… of “up” yet you are always moving up and it is really “All Joy” as you sang it. At times you feel like something is ending and that you should mourn. Though I will never tell you how to feel, (I’ve learned that the hard way), I will suggest that you not forget to celebrate.
Just as if a loved one has “passed away,” you are very well aware that they have only made their transition and their life has gone to the next part of their cycle. By no means am I saying that it isn’t sad, for you’ve created such a bond with them. Yet there is still a place to smile. Their life is going to continue, probably not as you know it, but they will continue on. And it is the same for you, Nakia. Your life, your cycle will continue, from this moment. Probably not as you know it, yet it will. Welcome your next part. You have authored an extraordinary book, yet keep writing.
_____ was a chapter. Probably a very important chapter, yet _____ is not the book.
Take as much time as you need. I have a feeling that these words serve you and speak to who you really are. Keep creating. Keep sharing. You are so beautiful.
Thank you for allowing me to come through you.
God As Nakia
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Its gonna come, more happy days
But I gotta keep living and I'll make my way
And there's no complaints because I'm sure
I gotta lot to be grateful for
I'll be more than alright
I'll be better than fine
I wrote a song like to hear it here it go
It sounds like this cuz I'm poor
and ain't nothin funny bout bein poor
cuz I still gotta lot to smile
Like when I'm goin through my day, it ain't too much for me to take some time out and play
Get a group of people its better that way, gotta keep smilin- Ashe Ashe
Its gonna come, more happy days
But I gotta keep living and I'll make my way
And there's no complaints because I'm sure
I gotta lot to be grateful for
I'll be more than alright
I'll be better than fine
Second verse, like to hear it here it go
It sure is hard bein poor
But singin bout bein poor
Won't bring me no doh'
I know I'll be financially free, own a house and build a family
Oh I look forward to that day, until then I'm smilin Ashe Ashe
Its gonna come, more happy days
But I gotta keep living and I'll make my way
And there's no complaints because I'm sure
I gotta lot to be grateful for
I'll be more than alright
I'll be better than fine
I wanna manifest light, Let everybody know that I'm better then fine
You wanna see happy then you should look at me, living my life faithfully
Sunday, July 25, 2010
That keeps me constantly stressin, And missing all the great things
in this life, its passing me by
So I've been tryin to find things that ground me, Show compassion to my friends and family
Learning how to love without condition, but I forget to love me
So easily, is it how I choose to be
Well, I've decided...
That I forgive me
Its my decision, and I've decided
to Live my life and not let life live me
I forgive me
Back straight, head up, don't look down now, show my beautiful face
I'm fine, it's cool, I just fell down, but down
I won't stay, I refuse to stay
My past is a piece of me, Don't want to be the girl I used to be
I think its time I leave her be, she wasn't serving me
So I release thee, lovingly
And I decided...
I've gotta leave, I love you girl but I've gotta leave
And I've decided, I love you little girl...
but there's a beautiful Woman, waiting for me (waiting to be me)
Deep inside I hear a voice say...
(I hear it, and it telling me I love you, and today I'm saying, "I love you too" [from album version]))
Today I'm focused on the love within me, and all the gifts I have to give
Today I hear the God within me, and I choose to live and I've decided to live
So I'm gonna live...
(from REMEMBER ME)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
HELP ME SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL!!!! (the legit way)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Ok, so with all of the deaths that have occurred recently that are connected to bullying, I see that people are easily affected when a bully is mentioned in the same dialogue as “feelings”. I accept and acknowledge that.
So I'm not shocked that I get responses such as this on my wall and in my personal inbox on fb, (ppl don't like to see other ppl down).
But let me assure you, that bullies need to be reminded of who they really are just like everyone else, maybe even more so. So do not expect me- Nakia Henry, who has written an entire album about loving yourself, appreciating all things, and remembering who you really are- to ever jump on the “F*CK THEM BULLIES” bandwagon. Even if you feel like you have to punch them to defend yourself or your loved ones… after picking them up from the ground encourage them to do better. Love them back to connection, because surly if someone thinks they have to hurt others to heal their hurt, they are truly disconnected. Or at the very least, pray for them.
I am addressing this here because most people have read my last entry and are responding to it as if it is an entry about bullies.
The only reason I brought them up was to display how I developed a behavior pattern. Do I have bullies today? Absolutely not. Am I still hurt by bullies in the past? No.
My question is this: Where is the Divine in a stiff, guarded individual?
There are certain situations where I don’t feel I am emotionally free-free to feel. In the past, I had a smart ass comeback so not to appear affected by anyone bothering me at the time. But it never really made me “feel” better. Today, I’m lessening the comebacks and am wanting to respond honestly, but at times I feel that my feelings should be kept inside. I know that sounds unhealthy and unfair (to me), and it is, but it’s a habit that I’ve fed. Either say something smart or keep how you feel to yourself. It’s really one in the same as ‘saying something smart’ and ‘keeping it inside’ cause turmoil (outer and inner).
Again, this is a pattern that I’ve noticed, because I am on my path of Self Mastery. It’s a pattern that no longer serves me and I’m wondering if anyone has mastered this. Can the logical mind and a free feeling heart coexist?
Or is it of matter of not being consumed or controlled by your feelings? Have your feelings, and express freely and decide for yourself if having it serves you. (?)
I'd like to go with the latter, but I'd like as many perspectives as possible :)
Do you have any examples?
Monday, July 12, 2010
that I have been conditioned to be extremely defensive. (I am of sound mind to acknowledge it).
I was teased from the moment I was in glasses til... When I cried, they laughed more and when I expressed how I felt to my family they said "if you don't go back outside to play or to 'hit him back' then I will give you something to cry about!"
Needless to say I have always played out in my mind someone saying something negative to me and then of course, my smart ass comeback. I played this out in advance. I wore a mean face to match it as well. And like magic (not really) I attracted numerous opportunities to test out my comebacks.
They reacted to my face, or found something to pick on me about and I"d make them feel dumb or horrible. And I got it all. They f*cked with me about my thick glasses, my nose, my nappy hair, my skinny everything, my eyes... what ever.
I wanted to have something to say back. I didn't want to be teased and I didn't want my parents to give me something to cry about.
Today I recalled the last (and final) time my mother slapped me. I was washing the dishes and she came beside yellin about ... somthin. And she slapped me, and I slowly turned around and gave her a smirk, and she left like she saw the devil. (lol) I remember feeling good that I did that, like I was telling her that she couldn't do it anymore, like I was showing her how silly it was that she felt she needed to do that (my ready and rehearsed comeback).
But then I also remember running upstairs to one of my oldest sisters crying and complaining about her, saying "why would she do that."
So my smirk (or comeback of any kind) really didn't heal much or make me "feel".
Yet, fear is too easy. It's rooted in a lot of our "stuff". Lets get more specific.
In my wanting to defend myself every time someone "makes me feel bad", I am not focusing or acknowledging "my feeling bad". How does a child know how to express themselves if they can't cry to their parents? Now, I understand that I should stand up for myself, but I don't think I have to ignore my feelings to do that.
What I'm getting at is I don't know if I am emotionally free, or ever knew how to be, or ever thought that it was ok to be.
When I expressed my emotions in the past I was told that I was a cry baby, and people either teased me or threaten to whoop me. Now today, my heady voice can say "well maybe it was my ego because I was attached to a specific end. I wanted to be accepted and because I wasn't, I tried to block all emotion because I knew people would respond the way I DIDN'T want them to. Why would I want to knowingly piss them off, giving them further ammunition and reason to f*ck with me"... which is partly true (kids start lying the day when they tell the truth about something and are punished).
My heady voice would also say "if you want to be emotionally free, then you have to give that freedom as well. You can't control how people are affected by you. Actually people CHOOSE to be affected by you"...
My heady voice is very logical and I bless it, but still. Where is the feeling. When will I begin to feel freely without judgment, or stepping on eggshells so not to "hurt" someone elses feelings.
What does that even mean?
right now I don't know but I certainly still feel that by not expressing how I feel contributes to peace and comfort in certain situations. funny thing is I also KNOW that 'not speaking up' and 'peace' ARE not the same thing because of how it feels bottled inside.
Right now I don't have an answer, but I know somewhere I am emotionally free, I have a conscious mind, and courage and strength gets me through anything.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
But what I know is that while I was stressing a few weeks ago, I was the only one, meaning no one was doing the same for me. No one shed a tear for me.
I know my worth today. I don't want anyone crying or dying for me and I will think twice before I find myself in a similar situation because I know the other doesn't want me down either. I know that when I focus on my hurt, the hurt grows and becomes my reality. It becomes less temporary.
Though I still have some residual hurt to let go of, I feel so much better and am learning to appreciate the contrast. Blessing it. I now know and have a better understanding of what I DO NOT want. Now is the best time create and experience whats actually true.
My next album will be fukkin amazing lol...
Monday, July 5, 2010
Day 21 of my 21 day detox of the mind, July 4th I celebrate 'thinking independently of any situation' day. I celebrate being awake and choosing consciously. I celebrate inner peace. I celebrate Spirit... Thank you for witnessing me creating a habit. And the spiritual practice continues...
This 21 Day detox was designed to create a healthy habit. It is a process. A reminder to reconnect. A reminder to realign to who I really am. Life will not stop happening, but how I deal and how I'm affected will be in my control. I am choosing it all. I am choosing to be down, up, left, right, sad, happy, defeated, success, bored, creative... all of it. No one is "making me feel" anything.
I don't want to be the effect anymore. I want to be the cause of my pleasurable experience. When I am the cause, then others will know and want to contribute. I will not make them the source (anymore). They will know how to treat me, because I know how to treat me. And the opposite is true as well. If someone is bothering me, or I feel like I'm being abused, then they are learning from the best abuser (me). I'm blessing it and stepping away.
I feel really good.
I have found away to soothe myself whenever I am in a situation where in the past, I was ready to fall to pieces. I fell to pieces before this detox and today I re-membered me. I re-membered the laughter and the determination that I am. I re-membered the been hurt and been fixed that I am. I re-membered the all of the Divine aspects that I am. I re-membered all of the pieces. The many members of me looked at each other and recalled how beautiful and strong I am. They looked at each other and saw wisdom. They saw all knowing. They saw the all of them and felt whole. The members of me celebrated their (w)holiness when I put them together again. I know how to reconnect. I know how to soothe me. I am open to more methods but I can stand firm on mine.
I look forward to life now. I look forward to winning this games. I am grateful to know the rules. I am grateful to know that no matter how bad things were, that I didn't die and I'm still here. I am grateful to go on, with enthusiasm. I am grateful to know that I live within abundance, which means, I don't have to settle for SHIT. I don't have to wait for someone else to change their mind so that I can be happy. I am grateful to know that I have everything and more inside of me, including my happiness. My happiness comes from me, through me. Outside sources contribute, but they are NOT the source. I am married to my inner-being and though it is an open relationship, I must commit to her first.
I am grateful to share these truths, for I know when I share with you, I am sharing with me. We are one. My hope for this series aside from my transformation, is that you can somehow believe that they too, have EVERYTHING AND MORE INSIDE OF YOU. That you are pulling your own strings all ways.
Remember how beautiful you are. Remember how strong you are. Remember WHO YOU REALLY ARE. Remember we are one. and when you remember you, you will have also remembered me.
I feel alive.
"On this day of your life, Nakia, I believe God wants you to know that mastery is not measured by the number of terrible things you eliminate from your life, but by the number of times you eliminate calling them terrible."
This is am email I got a long time ago from subscribing to Neale Donald Walsch's site, the author of Conversations with God. I know that this detox is aiding me in being aware of my choices and reminding me that I created it all. I created everything I am going through in my life either by being the effect or being the cause. I want to forever be the cause. The pen is in my hand and I am open for spirit to pour through me my reality of well being.
This detox has helped me let go of so much just in the matter of 3 weeks. I definitely feel different and more responsible then ever before. I am more and more uncomfortable at my 9-5 and its only a matter of time before I release it. I know that I am holding on to it by fear as it says nothing of love or fulfillment. Right now I have it for my bills. and That's it. Wow... did I just say that. Even the truth scares ME sometimes. But I will set that creation forward. I know what my thought is doing. So I own it and stand firm in abundance. i stand firm in the knowing that I will prosper and feel free to share my good when I am doing what I love most.
Fear is something I will have to consciously release/let go of daily. It is a monster that has been fed for years. Well, monster isn't the best word. But its the part of me that no longer serves me. So I bless it, because it reminds me that I am more. That Love is real and at the end of the day, LOVE IS ALL THERE IS. So when I am faced with something I fear, I won't just run to it in the hopes to overcome it. I will simply ask myself, "where is Love right now, in this moment"? How can I be love? I will choose love always and by default, drop fear... and everything else really. When I choose love, the illusions just fall away.
I am always choosing. Labeling something wastes energy. Gets me stuck in the "lemme tell you why this is bad" stage. I would like to be of sound mind to see it, and determine whether it speaks to the truth of me or not. And if it doesn't, I will choose create a situation that does.
How will I make my exit... I don't know, and I'm scared. I acknowledge that and also know that its the first step to healing and letting go. You have to hold it first before letting go, right?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I turned within a lot today, because I could still feel "hurt" lurking around the corner. Awareness tells me that when I feel this, I am actually misunderstanding or misusing the tools for empowerment. I have truly forgotten the rules of the game.
I know better. So instead of focusing on it, I try to remember, and remember again. reconnect. choose peace. choose peace. choose peace.
I remind myself that even this, God can handle, so that means I can handle it too. There is truly apart of me that is isn't harmed at all. The more attention I give that part, the more that part will be the dominant characteristic. I won't choose "not to be affected". I will again and again choose whatever I want to grow in my life.
Over and Over again, I asked myself today: who am I in relation to this? State the facts Nakia. What is your observation? Who are you in this story? What can you create in this moment? Who would you like to be?
I deserve all that is good. I release any need for misery and suffering.
I release the need to prove myself to anyone as I am my own self and I love it that way.
I am solution minded. Any problem that comes up in life is solvable.
I am never alone. The universe supports me and is with me at every step.
My mind is filled only with loving, healthy, positive and prosperous thoughts which ultimately are converted into my life experiences.
I consciously release the past and live only in the present. That way I get to enjoy and experience life to the full.
I love myself in totality and I radiate energy.
In life I always get what I give out and I always give out love.
I live in the now and design my future. The past has no effect on my present.
I am forgiving, loving, gentle and kind and am safe in the knowledge that life loves me.
peep more here...
BECAUSE I honor God in me I see God all around me, excited and willing to contribute to peace, our peace.
I choose to be love in everything I do.
DAY 17: I feel... I can't explain, but I think it is immense joy. Immesurable love. I am letting go of a lot and I am embracing so much good- and this is not airy fairy talk right here. TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT I FEEL... SO... GOOOOOOOOOOOD (good/God- you decide)
Today I woke up feeling extraordinarily great… I really did. Yesterday I thought to myself, “Self, you bought that green scarf to get out of you all black habit. Now that you have countless pics all over the net with it, its time to get some new ones.” And that’s what I did. I bought a couple new vibrant color scarves and today I wore a melon colored one. I don’t know that altered my mood but this morning I made it a point to say good morning to everyone I saw during my 15 minute walk to the train station.
It was a beautiful start to a beautiful day. Later that morning I found out that I have fans/family/friends in Haiti. Apparently there are some students at the cinematography school that found my music (cineinstitute.com). I was ecstatic. I could not focus on things that did not matter to me (my 9-5). I mattered more in that moment and I felt so alive. I was immediately aware of how NYC can be a bubble, a nice comfortable, unique bubble, but a bubble nonetheless. There is so much here that it is easy to think that everything is here. I know on a bigger level that I WANTED to reach everyone in the world willing to listen with wide open hearts, but I had no idea that it was happening in this way, that I was winning in this way.
Funny, I’m able to see it clearly now, because I’m positive it was all happening before the detox, before my letting go. But when I am making the best effort possible to reconnect, re-center, to focus on my inner peace, to really listen, I hear everything I need to hear in the moment it happens. This goes for today and for day 5.
So THIS is what happens when I let go: I stop “working hard” at the 9-5… (its true), I’m not that excited about going and am perpetually 5 minutes late everyday… (true).
In the past I would fear losing the job and get my act together. Now though I do make the effort to get there on time and I certainly get my work done, the fear is fading and I now trust that whatever comes out of this will be for me highest good and as long as my partnership with my Self is strong, then there is nothing that I can’t overcome. And I am realizing more and more that I don’t need to be there and they would do just fine without me, really. They would. So I’m kind of going through the motions right now.
I imagine the more I let go the easier it will be to set it aside like a toy I grew out of. Not like it was the most horrible experience ever, but more like unnecessary for my survival/existence/being-ness. We make these necessary adjustments when we evolve.
I will be letting go for awhile now. I’m ‘more than alright’ with that.
Day 16 of my 21 day mind cleanse: I'm Letting Go! I am not making anything "happen"... I am making it welcome, for it is already happening. I release what no longer serves me and am embracing the love and abundance that is ever-flowing to and through me. I am dancing in it, I am singing in it, I am breathing in it.
I mentioned the whole making it “welcome versus happen” idea in my clutter entry, but this whole blog series goes in circles, if you haven’t noticed lol.
When I let go, I also let go of specific results. If I am giving my all, then I will receive it all. But to be honest, I have NO IDEA what that looks like. Who in here does? I know what it feels like but looks, appearances, or stuff is a changing thing, so I know not to be married to a specific outcome. I know that Love knows what I desire and knows how I want to live. I also have to know that Love has imagined it ever better. So I release it all to receive everything that is coming to me. I can find God in more places then one. If I am only looking up, then imagine what I could be missing ALL AROUND ME. I’d call that a tiny god to only show up one way. I could say the same thing about my success as well.
So what is it that I need to make “happen”? Let’s venture to say a tour around the states, a partner who loves me, money to eat and live well, and a visit to Detroit every once in a while. I can work towards those things and am working towards those things. I don’t want to misinterpret this idea as “sit around and wait for the blessing”. But what I am driving home is, the idea of the universe imagining it better, and the fact that I have everything I need inside of me right now and that I am already prospering. My state wide tour could be nation wide. My partner will know the importance of loving himself first. My money is long and I give it generously. My family is with me, everywhere I go. All of these things are happening RIGHT NOW, and by letting go, I am releasing the clutter- the illusions- from the real thing.
And so, I am making a slue of possibilities welcome. This is what I mean by making it welcome. When I am trying to make something happen, I am in separation from my source, for making something happen suggests that it is not already happening, and therefore pushing it away from me even more. You ever try to feel better about your debt by thinking about it… it doesn’t work.
I speak in circles sometimes because, I myself, need the reminder over and over again. So forgive me if you can recognize some of these principles in other entries. It means more to me that I overstand them.
I’ll assume you are here for your growth and expansion as well. Consciousness proceeds form. Do you believe that? Do I?
Day 15 of my 21 day cleansing/detoxification of the mind. This last week will be focused on my biggest battle to date and that's LETTING GO! I acknowledge that in the past it has been very hard for me to do, but I'm not fighting anymore battles. I will choose PEACE every time. Please send energy and leave some affirmations.... I read them. I use them. I remember them. I AM them.
I remember a talk I had with my dad about fighting battles or addictions or letting what used to get to you, continue to get to you. In the beginning I likened it to a full grown fight turning into toddlers fighting, meaning when ever you feel you are confronted with “that thing” that got to you at the time of your life when you were living unconscious, it won’t be an issue in your current evolved state. He mentioned that there would always be a battle but I said that the battle would be minimal and not life shattering as it once was. I said it would be breaking up a fight between two 3 year olds as opposed to 2 men his age. Basically that the battle would get easier.
But since then, I have been introduced to a new perspective, by a close friend of mine you is very serious about living his life comfortably between pleasure and PEACE. I explained to him the conversation between my father and I, and he asked me: is it a battle if you are choosing ‘peace’. (I know what you’re thinking… and yes, I have some brilliant friends, duuuhhh they are a reflection of me, :)silly). Perhaps it was a clever play on words at the time but I understood completely and brought it back to my dad and he told me he had to “get back to me on that.”
It doesn’t have to be “to drink or not to drink” or “to over-analyze or not to over-analyze”… If my thought is creative, then what’s being heard by the universe is “drink” or “over-analyze”. When I am doing the “this or that” dance what I am REALLY doing is stressing. It’s like when a meditation leader tells you to “not think” of something. That’s almost impossible. It’s much easier to think of “something else”. That “something else” for me will be (is) PEACE. When I choose peace first, I am choosing God first and when I choose God first, I am putting my Self first. The other stuff is just stuff, (energy that doesn’t really serve my well being), so why give it a first a second thought at all.
I am practicing choosing to Be love, peace, joy, abundance, awesomeness, whole, perfect health, the perfect partner, creative being, performance artist, and so much more of what consists of God Consciousness. When I place my energy and focus on these aspects, the other “stuff” falls away. I release it all. I release what ever must fall away and I release the newness that I am embracing, knowing that I am in the flow.
I release and let go of any thought that doesn’t speak to who I REALLY am.
No more supporting the illusion.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Day 13 and 14 (weekend) I'm looking deeply at allowing vs tolerating-- observing vs judging... I'm ready to talk about it, I'm here for my growth, I'll assume you are too.
As I am connecting to my guidance system more and more I find myself wanted to shut my mouth. Not because I have nothing to say, but more because I know that my thought and my word (together) create on a certain level. I ask myself on a regular basis, "who am I in this moment? what role am I playing? what would I like to experience in this moment? what am I creating? what am I contributing?" Its another Virgo trait I think. I have been told that virgos don't do alot of debating and in most cases they refuse. Mainly because we'd rather be a fly in the wall and learn from whats happening. And if we do find ourselves being active in a debate, we go for blood. 2 extremes, and are somewhat true with me. But lately, I am silent because I am continuously checking in to what I know the big picture is. If I say anything I must remind myself and the reader that this view supports who I am and where I see myself. It supports my highest good; this is what I know from my experience; these are my truths; this is serving me.
No where in there does it say: this is 'right' or 'the only way' and you are 'wrong' if you don't agree. (judgment)
When I am speaking to others who say that they want a thing, or experience something specific in mind, yet they do the complete opposite; if we are having a discussion about it and they want my feedback or ask for help, my wanting is for them for them be their own guidance. My words would be something like, "you are always talking about going to the right and how great right is and how you'd love to experience it, but all the while you are not looking to the right. You have been gazing at left for a while, and have even ventured in the upward direction. Now I don't know if you've changed your mind along the way, but I believe you have a good idea about which way is right", followed by encouragements.
Now that's a tricky example but take directions out and insert anything, colors, numbers, you get my point. What I am pointing out is the main difference between making judgments and making observations- describing what simply is without labeling it god or bad. Once I put it into these terms, I can see if a thing contributes to my well being and if it does not then it simply isn't for me. If I've gone left, then I just simply choose again and make the necessary adjustments. But I won't call left bad, because that way may work for someone else and if God is all there is then who's "bad"?
I am learning the difference between allowing and toleration. I am who I am though I am always changing, evolving... I am happy with whom I become. And though another may be different from me, it is still good. It is still a blessing. Though I know myself to be freer then before I knew these truths, I would encourage everyone who is happy with their path, to stay on it. Love is so full and big that it is unnecessary to think that there is only one road to it. Plus a world of conformity and sameness, lessens creativity and I would never do that, nor could I succeed if I wanted to.
I'm finding that allowing is very different from tolerating because when I tolerate something, I let it be but I am not happy about it, and therefore binding myself with negativity. We all know enough about energy and circulation. It does me no good to not like something and do nothing about it, other then.... not like it. I see others in their religion sometimes and I wonder what's in it for them to try to get another to cross over to their ways. It must be the dominion god that some people serve. But I bless those people as well, for a candle lit in the sun cannot be seen.
So yeah, I am kinda quiet lately... I desire peace in all of my dealings, and I must know that everybody knows whats best for their highest good. And whatever suffering we are going through is temporary.
I'm learning to speak, think, believe and know a new language. I hope I am communicating effectively.
Day 12 of my 21 day MIND detox-- I am detoxing my home. clearing the clutter, making room for new thought, new love, new movement, new way, new life... I'm releasing what doesn't serve me... lovely. Its time to burn some sage
Today, I stayed home from the 9 to 5 hustle. I matter more (always). I needed a personal day, a deeply rooted personal day and I did a lot of nothing, which is what I really needed. I spent 3 hours playing with my bass, Rooty, and I cleaned. I will be cleaning for a while but I started today. I have been doing a lot of cleansing in the mind so it’s only natural that I see things outside myself that need cleansed as well. (I think the next detox I do will be with food, for a week though cuz I’m a skinny minny.)
Last weekend, Baba gave me some sage to burn and commented on how clear the energy was in my apartment. Baba is the elder that referred to me as his God-Daughter. I was happy he felt that way because he was extremely helpful to me when I went to him after the robbery. So him saying that really meant a lot. He said it seemed balanced, and clear and light. That also lets me know that when I feel exhausted, unproductive, tired, and uninspired when I come home sometimes, it has more to do with ME and my energy then it does with the apartment. Everything I need is inside of me. I have everything I need and more.
I burn frankincense and sage on a regular basis and today was definitely the day to double up. I am embracing so much newness and abundance and I am expecting so much more, yet I have not made many aspects of my life welcome just yet. I am making my mind, brain, spirit ready, yet I don’t want to “live” there. The idea is for both the mind to be open and the feet to be grounded, where ever I am. There are things in my outer reality that are shifting significantly.
I remember once in my foundations class we were discussing prayer and our power and intention. The instructor mentioned something like “we are not making anything ‘happen’; we are not asking for something to ‘happen”. We are making it ‘welcome’. Well being is flowing to us always. Abundance is all around us. We see it naturally when we look at nature- can you count grains of sand, leaves on a tree, waves in an ocean? No, it is never-ending. There is an infinite flow of goodness always flowing to us, yet WE tend to get in the way. And by we, I mean me (or whoever will ponder this), and who I really mean is EGO, (Edging God Out).
My ego blocks the divine stream of pure energy. Anytime I feel alone, or like I need to do something by myself and that I HAS to be this way only, not only am I moving from my ego, I am setting myself up for destruction because those actions/thoughts/feelings lead me to grow attached to a specific outcome and when that outcome doesn’t come, pain shows up gladly.
No, I am never alone and I have a permanent partnership with the Divine, which include other people. I embrace it all. And in embracing it all, I must release what does not serve me to make room. I have been doing a great job with this detox and it has opened my eyes and now I see what’s in my home that does not contribute to my peace. And I’ve been looking at it everyday…
So I am cleaning house, in more ways then one.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day 11 of my 21 day Detox of the mind: I am finding that most of my meditations are centered around attraction and reflections. People can only show me the dominant thought that I hold for them. Today I understand that when I practice the BEST in myself, I bring out the best in others. Negative thoughts don't serve me or the person I am thinking them about.
We are all multifaceted beings. And how many of us have taken full responsibility of what has happened to you in our lives? Really? When I know my thoughts are creative, when I know my worth, when I love me and take care of me, when it matters more to me how I feel, there are certain things that I DO, (see last entry on be-do-have). There have been times in the past where I have cried and have said words like, “you made me cry” or “she/he did this to me”. Now I understand that when ever I am down, I am out of alignment of who I really am. I have forgotten why I came forth to this extraordinary world, which is to experience, know, be and create who I really am. Because I have this awareness, it is sometimes hard for me to get back up, because I know on some level I put myself there. And yes, I can easily pick myself up, but let’s face it, its hard to stand when you are weak. I felt that way before I started this detox. I just kept reminding myself that it was temporary and that I have to connect to who I really am again and again… and again. It is a beautiful process of knowing, forgetting, remembering, knowing, forgetting, remembering.
But I am puling the strings in either allowing something to bother me, or not seeing the full picture of what has occurred.
If I practice knowing my worth, feeling good, loving me, taking care of me, I am projecting that into the universe. I attract just that. I see only that, because it exists very clearly in my mind first. I expect it. Its plain to see this with children, with friends, with co workers, with family. You hear others talk about them in a negative way: This child is wild/ I can’t stand Lisa, she always gossips/ here comes auntie Rose, always beggin. But when that child, or Lisa, or Rose comes and sits next to you, you have a totally different experience with them. That child is a joy, full of energy, wanting to love you and tell you of the greatness he’s discovered. Lisa is very comfortable with you and likes talking about life and the steps she’s taking to make her life better. Rose sees you and is very proud of what you’ve become. Proud to show you off to her friends on the block. She can’t stop smiling.
This is VERY true for me. I have no idea how these beings are when they are not with me. But I do know that it has a lot to do with the energy I carry. It has a lot to do with my expectations. So even if the child is “wild”, I know wild is a judgment based on past experiences of others and to think that of another aspect of God doesn’t really serve me. THAT child is not showing me “wild”. That child is showing me “wonder”. I know this because that is what I am looking for in that child. And who knows, maybe Lisa and Auntie Rose know that I don’t go for gossipin and beggin. They know this because they know that I know my worth. If you fed your children fruits and vegetables on a regular basis and was very diligent and specific in their quest to health and others see that, they wouldn't dare offer them a snickers without asking YOU first. It’s the same with you too. When you take care of you, when you MATTER to you, other see that and approach you in a like matter.
If my dominant thought about someone is, “He ain’t sh!t” then it will be impossible for me to see anything other than that in them. Not to mention (and I haven’t even started with this yet) WE ARE ONE! If I have that kind of thought about another, then on some level I am thinking that thought for me. Especially if I am truly effected by this person. It is certainly a reflection of me, as opposites do not attract. On top of all that, who feels “good” thinking those thoughts anyway?
Its starts inside, always. I practice the best in me so it’s not a task to see the best in others. And they bring it out when they are around me.
- ▼ December (2)
- ► October (3)
- ► September (4)
- ► August (6)
- SMILE (lyrics and music)
- Transition (lyrics)
- LOVE LETTER (HELP ME!)
- I have noticed part 2-- CLARIFICATION
- I have noticed...
- 21st Day Dusk Meditation
- Thats me... yeah thats about it
- I've been...
- day 21 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 20 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 19 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 18 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 17 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 16 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- day 15 of 21 DAY DETOX OF THE MIND
- ► June (13)
- ► 2009 (13)