DAY 17: I feel... I can't explain, but I think it is immense joy. Immesurable love. I am letting go of a lot and I am embracing so much good- and this is not airy fairy talk right here. TODAY, IN THIS MOMENT I FEEL... SO... GOOOOOOOOOOOD (good/God- you decide)
Today I woke up feeling extraordinarily great… I really did. Yesterday I thought to myself, “Self, you bought that green scarf to get out of you all black habit. Now that you have countless pics all over the net with it, its time to get some new ones.” And that’s what I did. I bought a couple new vibrant color scarves and today I wore a melon colored one. I don’t know that altered my mood but this morning I made it a point to say good morning to everyone I saw during my 15 minute walk to the train station.
It was a beautiful start to a beautiful day. Later that morning I found out that I have fans/family/friends in Haiti. Apparently there are some students at the cinematography school that found my music (cineinstitute.com). I was ecstatic. I could not focus on things that did not matter to me (my 9-5). I mattered more in that moment and I felt so alive. I was immediately aware of how NYC can be a bubble, a nice comfortable, unique bubble, but a bubble nonetheless. There is so much here that it is easy to think that everything is here. I know on a bigger level that I WANTED to reach everyone in the world willing to listen with wide open hearts, but I had no idea that it was happening in this way, that I was winning in this way.
Funny, I’m able to see it clearly now, because I’m positive it was all happening before the detox, before my letting go. But when I am making the best effort possible to reconnect, re-center, to focus on my inner peace, to really listen, I hear everything I need to hear in the moment it happens. This goes for today and for day 5.
So THIS is what happens when I let go: I stop “working hard” at the 9-5… (its true), I’m not that excited about going and am perpetually 5 minutes late everyday… (true).
In the past I would fear losing the job and get my act together. Now though I do make the effort to get there on time and I certainly get my work done, the fear is fading and I now trust that whatever comes out of this will be for me highest good and as long as my partnership with my Self is strong, then there is nothing that I can’t overcome. And I am realizing more and more that I don’t need to be there and they would do just fine without me, really. They would. So I’m kind of going through the motions right now.
I imagine the more I let go the easier it will be to set it aside like a toy I grew out of. Not like it was the most horrible experience ever, but more like unnecessary for my survival/existence/being-ness. We make these necessary adjustments when we evolve.
I will be letting go for awhile now. I’m ‘more than alright’ with that.
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