I have noticed...

that I have been conditioned to be extremely defensive. (I am of sound mind to acknowledge it).

I was teased from the moment I was in glasses til... When I cried, they laughed more and when I expressed how I felt to my family they said "if you don't go back outside to play or to 'hit him back' then I will give you something to cry about!"

Needless to say I have always played out in my mind someone saying something negative to me and then of course, my smart ass comeback. I played this out in advance. I wore a mean face to match it as well. And like magic (not really) I attracted numerous opportunities to test out my comebacks.

They reacted to my face, or found something to pick on me about and I"d make them feel dumb or horrible. And I got it all. They f*cked with me about my thick glasses, my nose, my nappy hair, my skinny everything, my eyes... what ever.

I wanted to have something to say back. I didn't want to be teased and I didn't want my parents to give me something to cry about.

Today I recalled the last (and final) time my mother slapped me. I was washing the dishes and she came beside yellin about ... somthin. And she slapped me, and I slowly turned around and gave her a smirk, and she left like she saw the devil. (lol) I remember feeling good that I did that, like I was telling her that she couldn't do it anymore, like I was showing her how silly it was that she felt she needed to do that (my ready and rehearsed comeback).

But then I also remember running upstairs to one of my oldest sisters crying and complaining about her, saying "why would she do that."

So my smirk (or comeback of any kind) really didn't heal much or make me "feel".

its FEAR

Yet, fear is too easy. It's rooted in a lot of our "stuff". Lets get more specific.

In my wanting to defend myself every time someone "makes me feel bad", I am not focusing or acknowledging "my feeling bad". How does a child know how to express themselves if they can't cry to their parents? Now, I understand that I should stand up for myself, but I don't think I have to ignore my feelings to do that.

What I'm getting at is I don't know if I am emotionally free, or ever knew how to be, or ever thought that it was ok to be.

When I expressed my emotions in the past I was told that I was a cry baby, and people either teased me or threaten to whoop me. Now today, my heady voice can say "well maybe it was my ego because I was attached to a specific end. I wanted to be accepted and because I wasn't, I tried to block all emotion because I knew people would respond the way I DIDN'T want them to. Why would I want to knowingly piss them off, giving them further ammunition and reason to f*ck with me"... which is partly true (kids start lying the day when they tell the truth about something and are punished).

My heady voice would also say "if you want to be emotionally free, then you have to give that freedom as well. You can't control how people are affected by you. Actually people CHOOSE to be affected by you"...

My heady voice is very logical and I bless it, but still. Where is the feeling. When will I begin to feel freely without judgment, or stepping on eggshells so not to "hurt" someone elses feelings.

What does that even mean?

right now I don't know but I certainly still feel that by not expressing how I feel contributes to peace and comfort in certain situations. funny thing is I also KNOW that 'not speaking up' and 'peace' ARE not the same thing because of how it feels bottled inside.

Right now I don't have an answer, but I know somewhere I am emotionally free, I have a conscious mind, and courage and strength gets me through anything.

Any suggestions?